Feeling extremely nostalgic today. And I am thinking way too much about the future. AGAIN.
what lies ahead?
Is it the uncertainties or is it the 'history-repeats-itself' moments in lives that freak me out? My insecurity has totally shattered the sense of comfort and happiness I struggled to gain and maintain in Cambodia and in the past two weeks. My fear is driving me to the extremes.
To the extreme bliss of thinking about my future. Dreams and not uncertainties. Dreams of becoming a world traveller, dream of becoming a documentary photographer, dream of making huge money and dream of having a loving family.
To the extreme nightmare. YOU, I am talking about you haunting nightmare of uni apps and IB and everything in between. I am also talking about the unnecessary stress you add on to me. As if I dont have enough on my shoulder. SO much about professionalism. Grr. I cant breathe.
To the people who I held dearly onto. I am scared that history will repeat itself. In the worst case possible. I know we have all grown out of that teenage drama, backstabbing kind of high school years, but it is not easy to get out of those memories and not imagine that it will not happen again. It's not like backstabbing, ditching acts, but more like, we have different thoughts and we go different ways kind of goodbyes.
That is why I allow myself to be indulged in the world of photography, books and artsy fartsy items. These things can always enlighten me, inspire me and boost my positive bubble in every possible way.
I want to dream away my fear. I want to dream away my worries. I want to live my life. in my own way.
Hmm... trip to Europe or a local individual ART project for summer?
When thoughts starts to pile up on my head, when I start to have my own little voice fighting for independence, I am scared that I won't be able to live the way I want to. and I have to give in to people that I dont trust and to things that I hate and in the end to life. That is my biggest fear.
Please have mercy on me and let me live the life I want to. It's the tiniest request from me. This is my life.
Snaps from Cambodia, Christmas 2010
***Most prob this blog will be just about photography. ANYTHING photography.
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